Once in a while I like to entertain myself by playing a mental casting game for biographical movies that will certainly never make it to the silver screen in any way, shape, or form. Prior to the announcement of the ill-fated Freddie Mercury biopic, I had actually become obsessed with imagining which actor could convincingly portray such a larger than life personality like the legendary Queen frontman. One day it hit me out of the blue that the ideal, and honestly, only candidate was comedic genius Sacha Baron Cohen. In a rare instance of one of my delusions becoming a (near) reality, it was eventually announced that Baron Cohen was set to play the legendary singer in a big budget movie to be produced by Queen guitarist Brian May. Sadly, SBC left the project due to those pesky creative differences and (sing it with me) another one bit the dust.
Which brings us to tonight's first national debate between Hillary "Pantsuits Magee" Clinton and Donald "D-Bag" Trump that, thanks to one of the candidate's class and well-honed expertise in such matters, was far from being the full-on shitshow many had anticipated but still had plenty of, shall we say, unpresidential behavior from the opposition. The controversies and scandals plaguing both campaigns have made the 2016 election the ugliest political contest of the modern era which, naturally, makes it prime fodder for a feature-length theatrical film or an HBO original movie. After all, truth is stranger than fiction, but regarding this election, strange is an understatement.
As cinema history can attest, casting an iconic president, senator, or first lady is a tricky balancing act. Typically casting directors don't hire lookalikes per se but rather a performer (generally an already recognizable one) whose own features are somewhat similar to that of the historic figure they are portraying. If we look solely at recent casting choices for biopics or movies that detailed or satirized real-life political figures, John Travolta seemed a bizarre choice to play good ol' boy turned President and (hopefully) future First Dude Bill Clinton in Mike Nichols' PRIMARY COLORS, yet with a touch of gray in his hair and a southern accent replacing his characteristic Brooklyn dialect, he was actually pretty convincing. Same with Josh Brolin in Oliver Stone's overtly biased but still hilarious W. who nailed George W. Bush's awkward mannerisms and no-quite-presidential demeanor. Ditto Kevin Spacey who, in ELVIS MEETS NIXON, the film festival hit now streaming on Amazon, proves that the man can not only play the murderous President Underwood in Netflix's superb series "House of Cards" but can also deliver a solid and surprisingly subtle turn as Richard M. Nixon.
This year's presidential candidates have both been given the full-on "Saturday Night Live" treatment as hysterically accurate caricatures by gifted comedians such as Amy Poehler, Kate McKinnon, and Darrell Hammond, surprise cameo appearances, or in the case of Trump, actual hosts. Both contenders have been funny and likable when given good material to work with. On their own, not so much. When it came to casting Hillary opposite Travolta in PRIMARY COLORS, no one would have ever thought British actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson, who is also very funny herself, could play the First Lady much less look like her, she was a great match for Travolta's confident, cocksure, Clinton. The events featured in Nichols' adaptation of the infamous book detailing Slick Willy's rocky but successful bid for the presidency seem like a medley of GREASE numbers compared that of Ms. Clinton's second attempt at becoming the U.S.'s first ever woman president, a potential milestone that continually gets lost amidst all the fingerpointing and hate speech.
Here are my choices for who should play the two candidates. Ladies first.
Annette Bening would make a great Hillary. She exudes class, intelligence, maternal strength, inner fortitude, and she has stolen the spotlight from many of her male co-stars. Name one movie she was bad in. Exactly. Note to the Academy: give her an Oscar already. Like Mrs. Clinton herself, she is long overdue.
Trump is a much more difficult role to cast in that he is such a cartoon-like character that is one part egomaniacal real estate tycoon and the other an Archie Bunker-esque brute with a hairpiece that defies the immutable laws of gravity as well as a shade of orange that has never once been associated with an upright mammal capable of walking without dragging its knuckles.
Like Trump, Alec Baldwin is also a New Yorker, he has a bit of Zoolander's Blue Steel pout that has served him quite well through his eclectic career, and his multiple Emmy wins for his performance as Jack Donaghy on "30 Rock" proved he can be powerful, self-aggrandizing, and an all-around doofus at the same time. Plus his iconic monologue from his single scene in GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS could be dubbed over any of Trump's bombastic speeches and have the same ruthless, bullying, effect. So start mainlining Trump steaks and break out the orange hairspray, Mr. Baldwin. Your performance would be huuuuuuge.
A column dedicated to the must-see original movies and binge-worthy series currently streaming on Netflix, Amazon, Hulu and other channels .
Netflix's extraordinary original series "Narcos" chronicles the violent exploits of Pablo Escobar and the agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency's painstaking attempts to capture the notorious Colombian drug lord and bring him to justice. If the premise sounds like something you've seen in various other movies on small and big screens alike (Steven Soderbergh's excellent TRAFFIC for one) think again. "Narcos" gives equal time to both sides of the bloody chess game that is the world of drug trafficking cartels. This is not SCARFACE redux by any means rather it is a deliberately paced and suspenseful (sometimes agonizingly so) procedural detailing not just the headline-grabbing events of the horrifying events during Escobar's reign in Medillan but also the red herrings and cold trails the DEA agents endured during the turbulent years spent hunting him down.
The series, whose second season recently premiered, is narrated by Steve Murphy (Boyd Holbrooks from GONE GIRL and MILK) the real-life DEA agent who, working alongside his partner Javier Pena (Pedro Pascal from "Game of Thrones,") is stationed in a dreary sub-level government office located right smack in Bogota, Colombia. He recounts the events with a wizened and sometimes even sarcastic tone as he brings viewers behind the scenes into the baffling maze of grueling detective work done amidst the infuriating bureaucratic red tape that hurled roadblocks in the agents' path as they zeroed closer and closer to the diabolically elusive Escobar (the excellent Brazilian actor Wagner Moura from ELYSIUM.) Though the actual Steve Murphy presented in photographs during the opening credits sequence was a very bland looking fellow, Holbrooks is an extremely charismatic actor reminiscent of Brad Pitt before he became an A List movie star. Besides the dull and harrowing nature of his occupation, Murphy also has his own personal drama to contend with as his own life is at risk on a nearly daily basis evading gunfire and car bombs while he is thousands of miles away from his wife and newborn daughter. His partner Javier is more of lone wolf operative whose Mexican heritage allows him to cross the boundaries between agents and cartel thugs more stealthily though his dogged determination places him literally in the crosshairs on more than one occasion.
Though he is clearly the villain, Escobar (known by his henchmen and allies as El Patron) is the true central character of "Narcos" and Moura, along with the series'creators Carlos Bernard, Chris Brancato, and Doug Miro, has created a multidimensional figure of a man who is nowhere near the scheming, cocaine-snorting, crime lord that we've all seen a thousand timesover. Rather, this Escobar is a man whose very nature is very complex and contradictory as he goes from poor migrant worker to multi-billionaire yet even at the peak of his reign as Colombia's cartel czar he dresses as if he shops at a Ross Dress For Less. Wearing his trademark short-sleeved business shirts and drab polyester pants, Escobar uses his vast wealth to provide a luxurious lifestyle for his devoted wife Tata and adoring two children and even his mother Hermilda who refuses to see the devil's horns hiding underneath the halo her angelic son wears. Though he has a brief dalliance with a glamorous local news reporter, Escobar's main vice is fame and the inherent delusions of grandeur as he begins to see himself as more than just a dreuglord but someone who could represent the best interests of his adoring public and beloved hometown of Medillin, and perhaps even be elected as president of Colombia. Like a certain U.S. presidential candidate who has cast himself as the true voice of the American people, Escobar's noble ambitions are overshadowed by his gargantuan ego and narcissistic tendencies. Moura's personification is enhanced by his baby-faced visage as Escobar never stops being the boy who will always need more toys to play with.
While the first season of "Narcos" ends with a real cliffhanger, Season Two is more of a satisfying and conclusive. Just like the real war on drug cartels that tragically rages on, however, there are plenty more bad guys for Murphy and Pena to catch and Netlfix's announcement of a third season is great news for fans of high quality television that continues to outshine its big screen competition.
A bi-monthly roundup of flicks currently available at The Box that may or may not be worth your time.
KEANU (2016) - The genius stars of Comedy Central's "Key & Peele" kick off what is sure to be a very successful movie career for its stars Michael Keegan-Key and Jordan Peele with this hilarious action-comedy about two mild-mannered dudes who try to pass themselves off as notorious gangsta thugs when their cat Keanu is stolen by a nefarious crime lord. Just like the duo's high-rated sketch show the actors play multiple characters as they spoof urban stereotypes and 80s-style action-movie tropes. With any luck we'll eventually get to see cinematic incarnations of Peele's bad cop ventriloguist dummy Lil' Homie and Key's phonetically-challenged substitute teacher.
THE BOSS - Melissa McCarthy hits bottom, and I mean rock bottom, with this jaw-droppingly unfunny comedy about Michelle Darnell, an egocentric Martha Stewart-esque mogul whose net worth goes kerplunk after an insider trading scandal brings her empire crashing down. When she gets out of the slammer Darnell is forced to adjust to living on limited means but discovers a chance to rebuild her brand via a hostile takeover of a local Girl Scout cookie operation. The set-up has lots of potential for MCarthy's trademark schtick but it's attempts to mix broad comedy and syrupy sweetness crumble like a stale Thin Mint.
THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE - The biggest surprise about this animated adaptation of the massively popular (and addicting) app is that it's actually pretty funny. You don't necessarily need to have ever played any of the endless incarnations of the game that pits the projectile poultry against evil egg-coveting green piggies but if the idea of fat colorful birds catapulting themselves towards various porcine-populated dwellings is your thing then there are far worse ways to burn 90 minutes of unproductive leisure time.
It's official: summer is gone, baby, gone. With Labor Day weekend mere days away, students and adults alike are relishing the memories of tropical vacations and languid afternoons spent poolside over the past three months and are already counting the days until the next extended holiday break.
Those fond memories most likely do not include that other popular summer activity: seeing big blockbuster movies at the neighborhood moviehouse. The summer movie season of 2016 is sure to go down as one of the worst in recent memory. With the exception of two megahits (CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR and FINDING DORY) that were predestined to be cash cows long before their actual release dates, the remainder of this summer's offering were disappointing either in terms of content (SUICIDE SQUAD, JASON BOURNE, X-MEN: APOCALYPSE, the female-centric GHOSTBUSTERS reboot) or box office (ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, THE BFG, THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, STAR TREK BEYOND) and on several dubious occasions, both (see INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE, or rather, don't.) There were a few gems to be found in this box of rocks but the year's normally bounteous season of theatrical event flicks turned up a lackluster pile of fool's gold.
Upon realizing that this summer also marked the 30th anniversary of two all-time movie classics: the guiltiest of all guilty pleasure movies TOP GUN and James Cameron's spectacular sequel game-changer ALIENS, I decided to compare 2016's paltry summer slate to that of 1986 and the results could not be more depressing. To quote ALIENS' own Corporal Hudson (Bill Paxton) "We just got our asses kicked."
Summer Movies released in 2016 (listed in order of release from May through August)
Note: CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR opened on April 12th so technically it counts as a spring release as was THE JUNGLE BOOK which also played well into the summer.
The Angry Birds Movie
Alice Through the Looking Glass
The Nice Guys
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
The Neon Demon
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Me Before You
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Now You See Me 2
The Conjuring 2
Free State of Jones
Independence Day: Resurgence
The Legend of Tarzan
The Purge: Election Year
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
The Secret Life of Pets
Ice Age: Collision Course
Star Trek Beyond
Kubo and the Two Strings
Hands of Stone
Talk about diminishing returns. By my count the only film on that list could be considered a smash hit was FINDING DORY while other sequels such as X-MEN:APOCALYPSE and STAR TREK BEYOND opened big then sputtered out fairly quickly. Not that the non-tentpole movies didn't make any money - CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE scored surprisingly well as did THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS and SAUSAGE PARTY which goes to show that comedies and animated films are generally safe bets during the summer months (sorry ICE AGE 4. Now please become extinct already.)
However we're discussing quality more than profitability and the only ones that stood out for this popcorn consumer were THE NICE GUYS, THE CONJURING 2, THE BFG, STAR TREK BEYOND, THE SHALLOWS and SUICIDE SQUAD though only two of them are contenders for my Best of 2016 list (think bumbling 70s era detectives and a very large fellow with a penchant for flatulence.)
Summer Movies released in 1986Short Circuit
Poltergeist II: The Other Side
Invaders from Mars
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Back to School
The Manhattan Project
Never Too Young to Die
The Karate Kid, Part II
My Little Pony: The Movie
About Last Night
Big Trouble in Little China
The Great Mouse Detective
Under the Cherry Moon
Nothing in Common
Flight of the Navigator
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
Howard the Duck
One Crazy Summer
She's Gotta Have It
Stand by Me
The Transformers: The Movie
Half Moon Street
Armed and Dangerous
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Ok so any list that includes both HOWARD THE DUCK and SHANGHAI SURPRISE is already a tough sell but friggin' FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, people. But wait there's more! BACK TO SCHOOL, LABYRINTH, RUNNING SCARED, RUTHLESS PEOPLE, ABOUT LAST NIGHT, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, STAND BY ME, THE FLY, and MANHUNTER are all classics in their own right and still appear on most movie fans' all time best lists. Sure 1986 had plenty of dreck as well - POLTERGEIST II, AMERICAN ANTHEM, UNDER THE CHERRY MOON, VAMP, and HAUNTED HONEYMOON were all notoriously terrible. HOWARD THE DUCK at least had Lea Thompson and Tim Robbins even though you spent most of the movie feeling sorry for them. COBRA, RAW DEAL, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI, ONE CRAZY SUMMER, and even TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 were B movies to be sure but also goofy fun. SHORT CIRCUIT still has its admirers as does FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR. The adult-oriented dramas STAND BY ME, NOTHING IN COMMON, and SHE'S GOTTA HAVE IT gave parents something to enjoy while the kids were seeing SPACECAMP, however, it is interesting to note that animated films were yet to become the blockbusters of tomorrow as evident in the tepid response to THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE, TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE, and the feature length movie of the unkillable MY LITTLE PONY franchise. And lest we forget the thrilling aerodynamic (and homoerotic) adventures of Maverick, Ghostrider, Iceman, and Goose in Jerry Bruckheimer's pre-PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN box office phenomenon that took us all into the danger zone.
Still, it all comes back to that all-time high summer movie watermark ALIENS. What could have been another forgettable sequel in a summer filled with them (PSYCHO III anyone?) instead gave audiences exactly what summer blockbusters are meant to provide: unforgettable out-of-body experiences with memorable, iconic, characters, eternally quotable dialogue ("Game over, man. Game over!") to stratospheric crescendos of spontaneous cheers. Who could forget the first time they saw the movie in a packed theater and the collective eruption that ensued at the movie's climax when Ripley shouted at the alien queen "Get away from her you bitch!!"
My personal favorite moment from the summer movie season of 1986 actually occurred offscreen at a suburban Chicago cinemaplex when, at my behest, my dad went to see ALIENS while myself and some friends saw TOP GUN a second time. I was waiting in the lobby when my father emerged from the theater clearly exhausted but laughing as he wiped tears from his beet-red face like a kid who just came off the greatest rollercoaster ride of his life.
That's the kind of experience we all look for when we go to movies in the summertime. As theatergoers we are much like the flyboys in TOP GUN. We have a need. A need for speed.
This summer, sadly, all the big rides were closed for repairs.